April 25th, 2009 by Alexandra

The Washingtonian Magazine cover story this month features 26 reasons it’s great to live in the DC area. I can only assume spirit crippling traffic, cost of living beyond all reason and $15 Jack and Cokes did not make the list.

I do know #2 is “Our New Neighbor Is Hot” and features the (in)famous pic of Obama strutting minus a shirt. Am I the only one that sees nothing hot about the display of man boobs?

Clearly he’s better looking than your average leader of the free world. I can appreciate that much. But is he hot-hot or just President-hot? Example, Brad Pitt is hot-hot. John Mayer is musician-hot. If not famous Brad Pitt bought you a drink, you’d still have Niagara Falls betwixt your legs. If John Mayer minus a guitar, bought you a drink you’d sniff check it for roofies.

So I contend Obama is labeled hot because US Presidents generally aren’t.

The leading contenders…

JFK sets the gold standard of course.

Based on a youthful look and reported great hair, our 14th President Franklin Pierce, was said to be a really handsome guy. He was also a Northerner with strong Southern sympathies and seemed to support the expansion of slavery every chance he got. Why must the pretty ones be so dumb?

Personally, I think Andrew Jackson has some David Bowie like appeal…

And Ronald Reagan was in fact a move star.

Seeing as those Presidents are no longer on this mortal plane they probably aren’t legitimate candidates for Obama comparison.

I think leader in the clubhouse  for world leaders still among the living is Dmitry Medvedev.

He’s young, wealthy and powerful. He’s also a virtual puppet for the Bond villain caricature that is Vladamir Putin, but again, he’s wealthy and powerful, so I’ll let that slide.

April 24th, 2009 by Alexandra

While I wait around sipping Strawberry Slim-Fast, assuming it will counteract the apple fritter I had 30 seconds ago and waiting for my very first Ask Alex question… there’s this…

African-Americans make up about 14% of the population, but somehow they make up 98% of the guests on the Maury Povich Show.

According to IMDB Maury is pulling down 7 million a year. That’s about a million for every decade his show sets back race relations. Whether it’s a skanked out 14 year old yelling “You don’t me!” at the top of her lungs as she brags about the number of boys she’s allowed to slip and slide between her oiled up, cottage cheese thighs… an unwed mother/probable welfare recipient dragging her baby’s daddy in to prove paternity… the show provides a never ending cavalcade of stereotypes.  **SPOILER ALERT** He’s not the father. He never is.

Where are Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson when you need them? Where is the anger over the outright embarrassment and exploitation? It’s a minstrel show for Godsake! Stop worrying about radio djs and NY Post cartoons. Protest this shit!

And if you have any time left over, you may want to get on AIDS/HIV awareness. The CDC reports that African-Americans make up 49% of new case and call me crazy, but that seems a tad disproportionate.  You know – if you have time to focus on something serious.

April 24th, 2009 by Alexandra

11,000 pigs were killed in an Illinois fire yesterday.

That’s a number I cannot even fathom. Thousands?? I doubt Dante could have imagined a punishment worse than that sound.

I love animals. I have two that reside in my house and pretty much run my life. My heart sank at this story.

But why is it that after I had the immediate gut reaction… the immediate following thought I was “That town must smell freaking unbelievable”…

April 23rd, 2009 by Alexandra

The last time I read a story on it, Facebook had somewhere in the area of 175 million users.

I came across a story today about their desire to raise revenue by offering vanity URLs. Scroll down to the comments section and you’ll notice people already have plenty of complaints, reasons this isn’t necessary, reasons it won’t work or how you could just get around it.

I (heart) America most of the time. I’ve been privileged to travel about the world and having seen a decent amount out there… I view myself as having won the birth lottery when I happened to pop out of a vagina in the good ol’ US of A. But there’s a disturbing sense of entitlement here.

They change the interface some and people bitch. Whispers even begin to grow around a user-fee and people are jumping out of windows. Less people protest the Iraq war. I didn’t personally agree with the proposed changes to the terms of use a while ago, but I understood that I clearly would have a choice in what I uploaded and did not. Again, Facebook is a FREE service and you can walk away anytime you like. The last time I checked there is nothing listed in the glorious Bill of Rights covering social networking.

So why is it so wrong for Facebook to make more money? That’s an honest question I have.

A college kid comes up with an idea that just happens to revolutionize the way we connect with friends, family, co-workes, neighbors, anyone on a daily… HOURLY… basis. How we share our lives with one another. Our likes, dislikes, opinions our freaking hopes and dreams and many people aren’t willing to kick a dime his way. By no means am I crying a river for Zuckerberg. Estimated revenue last year was in the 300 mil range. But that’s $1.75/year a user. That doesn’t sound right…

I won’t even pretend to understand the realm enough to grasp it, but I have to think the infrastructure necessary to store the “Which Godfather Character Are You” quizzes and English Bulldogs in funny hats pictures alone must be mind boggling.

It seems their biggest revenue stream at this point would be the ads. I’ve used them for work myself and they are extremely easy to create, highly targeted and inexpensive. It’s a decent way to make a buck, but how many of the 175 million users have ever used them?

And speaking of businesses, how many of them have set-up totally free fan pages and reaped the benefits of creating an online community for their customers? It provides an instant connection, access and interactive ability that previously didn’t exist. Being in marketing I can’t stress enough what an amazing tool it is.

I don’t think the longterm “hotness” of any social media site can be assured. To quote the immortal Biggie Smalls – “A true motherfucker going out for the loot”. They have to get the revenue while they can, because the public is fickle. There’s always going to be something more interesting around the corner.

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Twitter

Facebook Who?

April 23rd, 2009 by Alexandra

You can see the pics virtually anywhere, but I suggest WWTDD.com because I want to marry that website.

But Vanessa Hudgens was seemingly just floating about, being rich and hot, shopping for hydrangeas in John Goodman’s plaid shirt, with nothing on underneath. Seemingly.

Alas, that clearly isn’t the case as one of the one hundred and fifty-seven shots of her walking, shows that she is wearing black shorts. Tiny ones apparently.

Shorts aside… I haven’t any idea why I’m so intrigued, but I am. The attitude is priceless and she actually pulls it off very well.

Actually I do know why I’m intrigued and I’m just going to come out and say it.

The only time a chick has stringy, tousled locks and is wearing an oversized man’s shirt with nothing underneath is post fornication. Post, “It’s 3:30am, the bar’s emptying out, I don’t really feel like driving all the way to my place, this guy is pretty cute, he bought me a couple of Saketinis, his shoes are awful, but he mentioned something about Lakers tickets, I’ll throw him a bone and go home with him” Fornication

Wait… how old is she? 20?

Ok… I stand by my comments.

April 22nd, 2009 by Alexandra

Open letter to Mr. Timberlake:

Over the past 16 years it’s been an incredible ride.

Changing the face of the game forever as you used the Mickey Mouse Club to exhibit everything from stylin’ dance moves the likes of which we’d never seen to comedic timing that would put George Carlin to shame.The versatility was absurd.

But MMC was like a shooting star. It’s flame so hot and beautiful it simply wasn’t meant to last.

No worries. It was just an appetizer to the real meal. That’s right. I’m talking N fucking Sync!

Poised for super stardom, you showed your charitable nature by bringing along your dimwitted, virtually talentless co-star, JC Chasez. You kept it real by letting one of your homies ride and for that you gained respect.

Words can never express…

N’Sync delighted with 3 albums. The final bringing us the groundbreaking Girlfriend remix with Nelly. It gave us a taste… a suggestion… of things to come. More than ever you outshined your counterparts and your mind seemed to wonder. Coupled with rave reviews for your outstanding work in the Disney Channel epic, Model Behavior, the call to work solo seemed too much to resist.

So again you left us. Briefly.

We soon learned it was all for the best. In fact, you could say it was… Justified!

Timberlake, Neptunes, Timbaland. Or TNT as I like to call you. It formed a holy trinity of sorts. And what you created was indeed good.

Ain’t nobody love you like I love you. So true. You rocked our bodies and we all cried a river for you over Britney’s whorin’. In hindsight you clearly won that battle.

Being the ultimate performer, the ultimate tease, it was another 4 years before a full Justin album would hit stores.

When you returned, you returned a MAN.

None of us were truly prepared for FutureSex/LoveSounds. How could you be? How can anyone prepare for a force of nature?

I’d remark more, but I’ve never actually gotten all the way through the album without passing out during Sexy Ladies and waking up hours later, drenched in sweat and panties torn to shreds.

That was 2 ½ years ago.

This is where the tone of this letter must sadly turn.

No one cares about…

- Madonna
- The Love Guru
- Any MTV reality series
- Golf
- Saturday Night Live post ‘92
- The dick in a box joke resulting from the aforementioned horrible show

Having said all that, your fans remain ever loyal. But take heed Timberlake. We won’t wait forever. Matt Giraud is coming on strong pal!

Now get your pretty little ass back in the recording booth and don’t you dare bring T-Pain with you.

PS – I realize you’ve been dating Jessica to make me jealous. It’s just getting silly. She’s a sweet girl and I hate to see her used this way. Break it off.

April 21st, 2009 by Alexandra

You’d be better off drinking cow’s blood with a Tanzanian tribe, spitting it on the ground and reading the results like tea leaves than analyzing relationships based on Cosmo’s advice. Despite that fact, it continues to be a treasured resource for those of us lacking a Y chromosome.

Today Cosmo advises us on – Good Girlfriend Behavior: Do This, Not That

The excitement is uncontrollable!! Got your pen and pad ready? Okay… let’s go!

“Do This:  Watch the game with his friends. Spending an afternoon on the couch with his pals says you’re easygoing and cool…and he’ll appreciate your making an effort to get to know his boys.”

He’ll appreciate the view of your ass, in the kitchen, making a turkey dinner, perfectly timed to be ready after the late afternoon game, but before the Sunday night game begins.

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you become a morphed sideshow attraction. Sharing limbs, as well as interests. Despite stomach churning celebrity nicknames you are still two individuals. When I heard “Barachelle” the first time I wanted to vomit like a Meth addict going through withdrawal.

Believe me, there are some things we don’t want to witness or be involved in. Being in the depths of the Sunday “mancave” is on that list. Let your guy be!

“Do This:  Go to the beach or the mountains. In the beginning of a relationship, take an adventure-based trip, like going surfing or snowboarding. The adrenaline rush will boost your bond, and a built-in activity safeguards against awkward downtime.”

If Rock of Love has taught us anything, it’s that true love flourishes under constant distraction and magnificent adventures. Helicopter rides, skydiving, strip clubs, etc. There mustn’t be one moment of normal human interaction. Having a glass of wine and talking? F that! Knowing you can only connect and communicate when something really crazy is happening will build the foundation of relationship to stand the test of time!

Honestly, if you can’t stand “downtime” with someone. They aren’t that someone. Move it along.

Do This: “Forget” your necklace.Leave behind a pretty, delicate piece of jewelry (such as a little gold necklace) and he’ll think of you in similar terms every time he sees it.

My head is going to explode. A bit manipulative, no? If he’s smart he’ll pawn it and use the funds to take out a new chick. You know…. to forget about you. Ah – catch the irony there? Catch it? Yeah… you caught it.

Here’s a novel idea: If a guy actually likes you, he won’t suddenly forget you exist if you don’t leave strategic physical reminders.  Like a baby that hasn’t reached the stage of development where they realize objects out of view haven’t magically disappeared.

It starts with leaving a necklace and it ends with shoving yourself into a lower kitchen cabinet on Christmas Day, dressed as a Sexy Santa, murmuring “We just need to talk about it” over and over awaiting the perfect chance to pounce out and surprise him… two months after you’ve broken up.

April 20th, 2009 by Alexandra

On a recent Friday night I found myself at Bob Evans for a meal.

Nevermind I’m 26 and this is a feast more befitting the active adult +55 lifestyle.

Nevermind I am black and Bob Evans may be the whitest establishment in the United States. This place being a close second.

Nevermind that the 30-something confirmed bachelor next to us is not only dining with his parents on a Friday evening and discussing the suit they purchased him at the Men’s Warehouse, but he also stole the shoes right off Corky from Life Goes On and is brazenly wearing them about. Afterwards I learned these shoes are called elevator shoes. Look for a future posting on these atrocities.

Nevermind all of that.

The issue presented itself as we were paying our bill. Bob Evans, being a fine-dining establishment of note, wouldn’t have you simply pay the check at the table. I’m sure they want to hear our opinions on the delicacies of bone in ham and jellied up biscuits, so they have you pay a specially trained cashier at the front of the store. They even decorate the area with wonders that enchant the senses and stimulate the mind. Sock Monkeys, Dolly Parton Christmas albums, dried cherry cobbler filling and other delights I dare not mention here.

The place was hopping that night… silly me… it is Bob Evans on a Friday in Any Suburb USA, so that goes without saying. As I stepped up to pay our bill for two, $13.57, I heard this insanely ignorant phrase pierce the air behind me:

“The word is gratuity. That’s how you say it in American.”

I turned and wasn’t shocked to see something born of the Cretaceous period, d0nning a sweet cream leisure suit  and clutching a QVC clearance special pocketbook. No doubt holding pictures of grandchildren who haven’t phoned her in 18 months.

The problems here are multifold:

• Whether it’s a simple mistake or not, it’s quite clear to anyone with an intelligence quotient of mildly retarded or above that American is not a language.

• Being a withered up octogenarian, seething in bitterness over never having the chance to go behind the woodshed with that fine black boy gardener that tended the family lawn as she was  growing up doesn’t mean she can now unleash her pent up frustrations on unsuspecting, hardworking immigrants.

• That El Salvadorean cashier didn’t fight past drug lords and kidnappers, mount a donkey, ride it north, swim across some body of water, rent a subpar apartment in the Little El Salvador section of the city, mount an 89 Honda Civic to come to work to put up with your crap. Have some sensitivity!

A part of me feels badly for this older citizen. It’s clear the times have simply passed her by and I doubt she even realized the nonsense she floated into the atmosphere. But ignorance of societal norms and acceptable behavior is no excuse. So… for those reasons and many more I can’t think about right now because I’m thinking about having a Jack and Coke… if you roam the countryside instructing people to speak American, you should probably go ahead and kill yourself.

We’ll all wait here.

April 19th, 2009 by Alexandra

Check out the links in the header for an explanation of what “You may want to…” is all about and come back soon for my first real post!

In the meantime, here’s a picture of a Boston Terrier gardening to amuse.