May 31st, 2009 by Alexandra

Not 5. Not 25. But 75 Crazy-Hot Sex Moves from Cosmopolitan Magazine today.

Wait for the pearls of wisdom…

Wait for it…

Here it comes…

1. Have a naughty-movie marathon. Rent a bunch of flicks with famously steamy sex scenes. How could you not get inspired?

Hmm… I wouldn’t recommend renting Y Tu Mama Tambien to turn your guy on unless it’s the version where that involves a couple being caught by her mother… and then she joins in.

2. Intensify his orgasm by placing two fingers an inch behind his balls and feeling for a dent (the perineum, a big pleasure trigger). For the last 30 seconds before he comes, massage the spot in a circular motion.

Hey now. I didn’t know it was THAT kind of party. Why do I imagine 32% of guys would jump up and punch me square in the face if I tried this?

20. While on top, straddle your guy and clench your legs so his arms and torso are pinned down. As he keeps still, roll your hips in a clockwise direction. Switch to counterclockwise, then back, every 30 seconds.

This sounds like the type of thing a white guy would expect a black girl to do in bed. And I can say that. Being black and all.

23. Kiss and lick your way down his torso, stopping short of his penis, then give him a smile and work your way back up. Repeat several times until he begs for mercy.

I wouldn’t say this unless it were true, but I literally LOLed at this. How annoying does it sound?

28. When out at a party, lean your back against him so it looks like you’re just affectionately resting your body. Then subtly grind your butt into his package instead.

Mark it down the term “package” is forever banned from this blog.

54. Before company comes over, get it on in one of the chairs in your living room. Seeing a guest sitting there later will remind you of how naughty you were.

Ok this is just disgusting. No one wants to dine whole sitting in your juices.

65. Pick up a couple of sushi rolls, lie down on your couch, and invite your man to enjoy a meal off your naked body. If he’s not a fan of raw fish, use Gummi bears instead.

I feel they are assuming every woman reading Cosmo has Angelina Jolies hip lines and this will actually be hot. When your belly looks like a sea turtle’s shell – ain’t no one trying to eat off it.

May 28th, 2009 by Alexandra

A passerby pushed a man, who was threatening to commit suicide, off Haizhu Bridge in China.

At least 12 people have threatened to jump off the bridge since the start of April, causing “traffic … to become worse” according to a spokesman for the Guangzhou public security bureau.

The 66-year-old passerby, Lai Jiansheng, told China Daily that “I pushed him off because jumpers… are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interests.”

Lai initially volunteered his services to police to persuade the man not to jump, but police rejected these. Following this, Lai broke through a police barrier to push the man.

The pushed man, Chen Fuchao, survived with spinal and elbow injuries, because he landed on a partially-inflated air cushion 8 metres (26 feet) below. Lai was taken away by police.

His quote is the absolute best and he’s dead on. Pardon the bad pun. I hate to sound heartless, but jump off the freaking bridge or not. Better yet, assassinate yourself alone at home as opposed to inconveniencing strangers. And don’t you dare blow your head off and leave a traumatic, disgusting mess for someone to clean. Pop the pills and be done with it.

May 20th, 2009 by Alexandra

So… yeah…

When these ridiculous pics of A-Rod surfaced, hot off a gay porno shoot, I don’t think anyone was too shocked. He’d proven that while hot, he’s a pretty arrogant bastard.

But Mark Sanchez. What the hell do you think you’re doing?

You’re a QB right? Not an imported Euro soccer player turned kicker? Cause this isn’t okay in the U.S. of A.

Are you seeing this Jets fan? Are you behind this? Are you all in on the leader of your team playfully pulling down his white capris to give us some sort of hint that he’s riding bareback?

If you’re a woman and want to question your sexuality, because the chick is way hotter than him, all the pics are here at style.com.

May 19th, 2009 by Alexandra

You think you’re so smart…

Ivan asks:

What about blowjobs?

For starters Ivan, if that is your real name Commi, I’m not sure what the question is referring to. It’s quite vast.

What about them…

They’re good. If a chick doesn’t participate in them in 2009 they can expect… nay… look forward to their boyfriend/husband cheating on them. They can be the perfect capper to an evening of revelry, Belvedere Vodka and bar top dancing. They shouldn’t be done in a men’s restroom. They’re also known as bjs. Robots shouldn’t be involved in them. Neither should car vaccuums. They should never be referred to as fellatio because the term creeps me out and it’s easily confused with a Shakespearean character.

I guess that’s about it Ivan. You’re welcome.

May 17th, 2009 by Alexandra

I remember being 6 years old, all dolled up in my Spring dress to take a class picture. I climbed the oddly large white stool and the photographer instructed me to put one of my feet up on the stool’s rung. Instead of the bottom rung I hoisted my leg up to the top. The photographer said something to the affect of … “Whoa. Not that high sweetie.”

So I was 6 when I learned not to flash my vagina at a camera – and at least I was wearing panties. Apparently ladies at Sickles High School are still awaiting the memo.

As the story goes…

A Sickles High School yearbook photo is making news today after a 16 year old student says she didn’t wear panties to school the day the photos were taken because she didn’t want panty lines showing up in her yearbook photos. However, the end result of going commando has meant an eyeful for thousands who have copies of the Sickles High School yearbook.

So now there are 2500 of these things floating around and not surprisingly, the girl’s parents are freaking out. Also not surprising, their freaking out energy is pointed towards the school.

A few things we know: Teenage girls crave attention. This isn’t always achieved in the healthiest of ways. Teenage girls make insanely stupid decisions. Teenage girls often regret those decision and can switch on the sweet and innocent in .3 seconds.

She left the house without panties because she didn’t want pantylines? Has she ever heard of a thong? And the fact of the matter is, a girl learns to close her legs tightly or cross them when she’s a child, so the combination of no panties + legs spread open doesn’t read as an accident to me. I have no doubt she’s horribly embarrassed now… as she should be. If she were my kid our next trip would be to JC Penney’s, where we would procede to buy the biggest, whitest, granny panties ever made. Granny and a stapler to keep them on. Tanlines wouldn’t be a concern.

May 14th, 2009 by Alexandra

I’m just sayin’

May 14th, 2009 by Alexandra

Patrice O’Neal may be the funniest man on Earth. 1. Because he’s a man named Patrice and still has swagger and 2. Because of this quote:  “A beautiful 35-year-old ain’t as as good lookin’ as an ugly 19-year-old.”

Classic.

May 13th, 2009 by Alexandra

Priceless…

A Taiwan carpenter bought a porn DVD only to find secretly taped motel footage of his wife having sex with his friend, whom the husband later stabbed.

The husband, identified only by his surname Lee, discovered the illicit sex on the DVD in 2002. The sexual acts apparently had been recorded using a hidden camera and were on a pornographic DVD, titled Affairs with Others’ Wives, which the husband bought from a vendor to watch at home.

Lee, who lives in Taoyuan County near Taipei, divorced his wife after viewing the DVD. His friend, a butcher, disappeared from their village.

In August 2008, Lee spotted the butcher in Chungli City, returned with a knife and stabbed his former friend in the thigh.

The problems here are multifold…

- The occupations of these men are listed as carpenter and butcher, they live in a village, but they somehow have DVDs? Hidden camera porno DVDs at that!

- Are there no laws of the land in Taiwan that you can just secretly tape someone and sell it in the town square?

- If Affairs with Others’ Wives must be the only legit amateur porno ever made… actual women cheating on their husbands. Perhaps those naughty babysitters were real after all.

- The friend’s a butcher and he was stabbed…

- He’s lucky he only stabbed him in the thigh.

May 12th, 2009 by Alexandra

WalletPop has an ongoing “Cheapest People” column that offers a chuckle every now and then.

Some are fairly innocent, such as holding onto creamer from a restaurant or grabbing free app meals during Happy Hour at restaurants. Lame, but not horrific.

My favorites are simply used to air relationship grievances:

“Someone I know actually charged me for text messaging him, believe it or not.”

“Someone I know” = a dude I wanted to bang

“…charged me for text messaging him” = he didn’t want to bang me back

“My gentleman friend is so cheap the only time he calls me is from someone else’s phone. He demands that I call him at certain times of the night, usually when I’m working with a client. He invites me to go somewhere, expects me to drive us there, then changes his mind and wants to stay home. Bummer.”

This is just absurd. For starters, I am not certain who, outside of my Grandma Lucy, would still use the term gentleman friend. Second, it’s kinda clear this guy isn’t all that interested in this chick. Yet somehow she still feels the need to fulfill his J. Lo-like rider of demands. Even after she offers to jump through all the hoops he still bails on her!

And the clincher…

“My ex-husband John, who made more than enough money to do anything he wanted, because he is a general surgeon and does urgent care, would reuse paper towels at least ten times. He had underwear from the 1980’s. He would get out needle and thread and sew up large holes in very old undies and socks. His 1970’s pants were so thin that I could see if he had a design on his boxers. We [finally] bought a new dining room table and china hutch after many years of an empty dining room. Pretty embarrassing being the wife of a general surgeon.”

I like how she somehow made a story about him, all about her…

Let me guess, were you with him during med school, worked a couple of jobs to help him through it and were so, so  proud to become the wife of a surgeon? Dr and Mrs. That would show those bitchy, bulimic  cheerleaders from high school. You just waited for that 20 year reunion. They were going to be so freaking jealous. It was gonna be swweeeeeett!

But then the years dragged on… your breasts began dragging on the bed when you bent over. The twice a week mediocre sex became twice a year. One day you happened to notice a credit card bill for a card unknown to you. You opened it up and found the cheap general surgeon you called a husband, had spent 4k at Tiffany’s. When you confronted him he defiantly revealed that he’d found a new love. A younger, hotter, more Asian love.

That’s what this is really about isn’t it?

May 10th, 2009 by Alexandra

Absolute celebrity corrupts absolutely.

I give Lance Armstrong all the credit in the world for kicking cancer’s ass and inspiring people all over the world to LIVESTRONG. Not to mention the fact that he’s successfully side stepped those awful, dirty rumors about possible use of performance enhancers. Athletes often reach a Superman-like peak after their body is riddled with cancer and they are older. Happens all the time.

So I realize that it’s Jesus, Lance Armstrong, then Ghandi. I get it.

But he can still be a dude whose a deuche to chicks.

Case in point, instead of just keeping his own relationships private, especially since this happened years ago, he thought it’d be a good time to throw Sheryl Crow and her ovaries under the bus.

“She wanted marriage, she wanted children; and not that I didn’t want that, but I didn’t want that at that time because I had just gotten out of a marriage, I’d just had kids [Luke, Grace and Bella],” Armstrong said.

No, no. You just didn’t want to have kids with HER. Which is perfectly fine. Just freaking own it!

I think it’s far better than someone who placates a woman and gives her what she wants, i.e. a kid (a living, breathing being), just because he doesn’t want to deal with the drama of not doing it. Inevitably he’ll end up feeling tied down, which will grow to a subtle resentment of her and the child and before you know it, said child is holding me up at Sheetz. No one needs that. So kudos to him for hitting the eject button, but again, I’d just love to hear him own it. Women need to hear that. None of this fairytale “it wasn’t the right time” nonsense. Blunt and direct. When a man loves a woman and wants her, wants to build a life with her and raise a child they created out of love, timing has nothing to do with it.

Side note – he’s expecting a child with his girlfriend now. Guess the time was suddenly right. Or he actually likes her. One or the other.