June 25th, 2009 by Alexandra

Umm… no. Just stop it right now.

June 24th, 2009 by Alexandra

Admittedly, I didn’t receive an email from Governor Sanford’s better half, asking my advice, but I’m going to throw her a bone and give my opinion on the whole thing anyway.

• A question to ask yourself – Did you really do everything you could to prevent this? I mean how many rolls in the hay a week are we talking? Anything less than 3 and I can see how he rolled out…
• Your husband wrote this to his hot Latina mistress – “I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night’s light — but hey, that would be going into sexual details …” Is it just me or does he sound like a hopeless romantic? Frankly, I might date him at this point.
• I don’t think anyone is buying that you didn’t know he’d fleed internationally and was not seeking new species of brown spiders along the Appalachian Trail.
• Kudos to you for letting him stand alone at the blow-out press conference, but do us all a favor and simply divorce. No one wants to see you holding hands at a future conference, explaining how you’ll survive this and come out stronger. It’s not true and we aren’t buying it.

June 22nd, 2009 by Alexandra

One of my trademark moves is to find something people have been into forever, discover it way after it’s “cool” and then claim I created it. So even though this video has 5 million views on YouTube. That means nothing. I’m making this shit big right now.

If moving from this to Chris Pine doesn’t prove out the theory of evolution, I’m not sure what does.

June 17th, 2009 by Alexandra

Girl walks into (stumbles) into tattoo parlor and requests dozens of starts be tattooed on her face.

I mean what?

To be fair, she claims she only wanted “3 stars her new left eyes” and woke up with 56.

Wait woke up?

Oh yeah, she claims she fell asleep while getting her Tyson tattoo on.

As usual, the problems here are multifold.

1. 3 stars tattooed on your face is 3 too many chick

2. Who the hell falls asleep while getting a tattoo? I think that would be more accurately described as “passed out drunk”.

3. You’re suing for like $25,000. If someone tatted my face, I’d be suing for their pumping heart in my hand.

June 15th, 2009 by Alexandra

I’m about to move to Dallas, because apparently I could be swerving and drinking a delicious Strawberry daiquiri right now.

Actually I think this is simply another example of prejudicial preference on the part of MADD. They are upset that folks can drive-up and purchase an alcoholic daiquiri in a sealed bag. Their line of thought seems to be that people will simply pop open that seal and sip up. Is it possible? Of course. But isn’t it just as possible that people could walk into a 7-11, buy a 6 pack and pop the top on the way home? One action isn’t really easier than the other. They just don’t like the actual action of handing the drink to the driver and them driving off.

One point I can’t argue, but they do not bring up is that one is marked and the other isn’t. If I’m driving on the highway and sipping on a beverage in a Styrofoam cup, a cop can’t tell, but if it’s a shiny Bud light can – that’s a giveaway.

I’ve argued as much as I care…

June 13th, 2009 by Alexandra

The dawning of a new age… the SAHETTSB age

Some people are really hot, but you can’t figure out why and every one of your senses tells you to turn and run for the hills. Yet something draws you in closer… that person is sexy as hell even though they shouldn’t be.

Memo to Mr. Navarro,

I believe I’ve seen pictures of you making out with dudes (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and Carmen Electra looks as clean as a urinal cake, so these are things that should turn me off.

With the double nipple rings, wallet chain, Lenny Kravitz 8 years ago sunglasses, the devil-may-care goatee and constant shirtlessness… your douche quotient is somewhere between Spencer Pratt and the old guy that shot up the Holocaust Museum.

Yet, somehow, someway… I want you to pone me like a $2 lady o’ the night.

June 12th, 2009 by Alexandra

I don’t know that there’s a great deal to say about this video and I want to shoot myself in the liver for even posting about Kate, but I can’t help it. I seriously can’t help it. I need some psychiatric help.

Anywho, if you don’t allow your props… err… kids… to have a sip of water because you’re in the middle of whoring them out for an interview… you’re just a bitch. A bitchy bitch bitch. Oh, and apparently she could have some for her parched throat, but not the kid.You even hear her cry out “You drank it right in front of me”. Can’t wild wolves happen upon her and drag her to bits already? I think we’d all be okay with that.

Last question – the kids are half Asian right? Why are they somehow more Asiany than their Dad?

June 10th, 2009 by Alexandra

Kristy asks…

“… I have a lot of guy friends and I hang out with them all the time… My boyfriend hates it and I think he’s just being stupid and insecure…”

She goes on to say some other things, but I kind of went in and out of it, because I’m listening to internet radio (Big O and Dukes to be specific), eating a delicious lunch and watching a preview of TLC’S The Little Couple. At this point my ADD is so severe I require many points of stimulation, so you can’t expect me to just focus on your one problem Kristy. How selfish can you be?

All the same…

Your boyfriend can’t tell you who to hang out with and it may be that he is harboring some insecurity about your relationship. I don’t know the history in totality, so he may have fair cause… maybe he walked in on you giving Santa a handy. In that case, he has fair cause to be insecure. Or you may be the perfect girlfriend and haven’t given him any reason to distrust you, but he had a bad experience in the past. Not your fault, but we all have some baggage. Nevertheless, he can’t tell you who to hang out with, but understand he may have some reason to think he can.

You also need to be aware that unless your guy friend, or boy buddy* (shiver) bats for the other team, he probably wants to rail you out. That’s just factual. Not that he’s thinking about it, Shakespearean plotting (though some are), but if you’re a chick and he’s willing to put up with your “chickness”… he probably finds you sexually attractive. Doesn’t mean he wants to shove you in a closet and bring some rope with him, but if you both were drinking and he thought he could make a move… he’d probably take it.

You know, cause he’s a guy and he has a dick. Your boyfriend knows this and that’s what makes him suspicious.

Go out with your dude friends in groups, always invite your boyfriend and if he doesn’t accept that’s on him.

* Moratorium on the term boy buddy from here to eternity

June 9th, 2009 by Alexandra

I am not without sympathy – as a matter of fact, I cannot think of anything more horrifying than a plane breaking up, mid flight, in the dead of dark. Honestly, what would be worse than that?

Having said that, why in the hell is Jacques Cousteau hanging out in the wreckage in just a thong? The other recovery crew are in some sort of safety gear and this jerk is just chilling in a banana hammock. Have some honor for the dead Sir!!

June 3rd, 2009 by Alexandra