July 17th, 2009 by Alexandra

Tracy asks:

“What’s with tats on t*ts? It’s not sexy or hot. It looks awful and the chicks that do it are never the hot ones? Megan Fox ain’t got no tats on her t*ts.”

Okay then…

every body settle down.

1. Not sure if you’re a chick or a dude – that would give me a different slant on the reply. Tracy is a girl’s name to me, so therefore I’ve decided you’re a sexy, raven haired, lesbian bartender. You work it at a local strip joint, but feel a sense of pride that you have stooped to actually working the pole. You’re better than that.

2. Language – moratorium on the word “ain’t” here at youmaywantto.com and double moratorium on the word “tits”.

I disagree that they are never hot. Teri Polo, Eve (pictured) and Christina Ricci have tattoos on their breasts and overall they are fairly acceptable visually. I’m not quite sure why seemingly attractive women feel the need to ruin their bodies. Nothing permanently painted in that region is making you look any better. Why not just slap one on your neck or face while you’re at it? The female body is a piece of artwork in itself. Is God’s work not good enough? That must be it. Women who get breast tattoos are spitting in the face of God. They may as well be terrorists.

Glad we settled that.

June 24th, 2009 by Alexandra

Admittedly, I didn’t receive an email from Governor Sanford’s better half, asking my advice, but I’m going to throw her a bone and give my opinion on the whole thing anyway.

• A question to ask yourself – Did you really do everything you could to prevent this? I mean how many rolls in the hay a week are we talking? Anything less than 3 and I can see how he rolled out…
• Your husband wrote this to his hot Latina mistress – “I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night’s light — but hey, that would be going into sexual details …” Is it just me or does he sound like a hopeless romantic? Frankly, I might date him at this point.
• I don’t think anyone is buying that you didn’t know he’d fleed internationally and was not seeking new species of brown spiders along the Appalachian Trail.
• Kudos to you for letting him stand alone at the blow-out press conference, but do us all a favor and simply divorce. No one wants to see you holding hands at a future conference, explaining how you’ll survive this and come out stronger. It’s not true and we aren’t buying it.

June 10th, 2009 by Alexandra

Kristy asks…

“… I have a lot of guy friends and I hang out with them all the time… My boyfriend hates it and I think he’s just being stupid and insecure…”

She goes on to say some other things, but I kind of went in and out of it, because I’m listening to internet radio (Big O and Dukes to be specific), eating a delicious lunch and watching a preview of TLC’S The Little Couple. At this point my ADD is so severe I require many points of stimulation, so you can’t expect me to just focus on your one problem Kristy. How selfish can you be?

All the same…

Your boyfriend can’t tell you who to hang out with and it may be that he is harboring some insecurity about your relationship. I don’t know the history in totality, so he may have fair cause… maybe he walked in on you giving Santa a handy. In that case, he has fair cause to be insecure. Or you may be the perfect girlfriend and haven’t given him any reason to distrust you, but he had a bad experience in the past. Not your fault, but we all have some baggage. Nevertheless, he can’t tell you who to hang out with, but understand he may have some reason to think he can.

You also need to be aware that unless your guy friend, or boy buddy* (shiver) bats for the other team, he probably wants to rail you out. That’s just factual. Not that he’s thinking about it, Shakespearean plotting (though some are), but if you’re a chick and he’s willing to put up with your “chickness”… he probably finds you sexually attractive. Doesn’t mean he wants to shove you in a closet and bring some rope with him, but if you both were drinking and he thought he could make a move… he’d probably take it.

You know, cause he’s a guy and he has a dick. Your boyfriend knows this and that’s what makes him suspicious.

Go out with your dude friends in groups, always invite your boyfriend and if he doesn’t accept that’s on him.

* Moratorium on the term boy buddy from here to eternity

May 19th, 2009 by Alexandra

You think you’re so smart…

Ivan asks:

What about blowjobs?

For starters Ivan, if that is your real name Commi, I’m not sure what the question is referring to. It’s quite vast.

What about them…

They’re good. If a chick doesn’t participate in them in 2009 they can expect… nay… look forward to their boyfriend/husband cheating on them. They can be the perfect capper to an evening of revelry, Belvedere Vodka and bar top dancing. They shouldn’t be done in a men’s restroom. They’re also known as bjs. Robots shouldn’t be involved in them. Neither should car vaccuums. They should never be referred to as fellatio because the term creeps me out and it’s easily confused with a Shakespearean character.

I guess that’s about it Ivan. You’re welcome.

May 8th, 2009 by Alexandra

Mark it down, May 7th at 6:34pm, I received my first Ask Alex relationship question. Considering how tiny this is in the grand scope of things I shouldn’t be so excited. But I am. Let’s move on…

Rachel asks:

“My boyfriend has this ex. They were together for 3 1/2 years before he met me and she treated him like dirt when they broke up. He’s the nicest guy and I think she used him. She moved away and now is back in town. She sent him an email asking if they could hang-out. I think that sux. He told me he wouldn’t go if I didn’t want him to. I don’t want him around her, but should I tell him to go anyway?”

For starters Rachel, based on the fact that you had the foresight, the vision if you will, to send in the first ever Ask Alex question, I’m guessing you’re a smoking hot MENSA candidate. Just sayin’.

And the answer is 100% yes.

I think it’s great that he’s been honest with you; seemingly about the relationship itself (though always remember every story has two sides) and that his ex has made some attempt to re-enter his life.

Let’s see… woman has a messy break-up, leaves town,  has some unsuccessful relationships, returns to town looking to rekindle romance with a love lost. That’s a typical Hollywood tale isn’t it? Normally I am not a fan of any contrived Hollywood vision of girl + boy  (see …stop going to romantic comedies), but in this case I believe it to be plausible.

There is the slightest chance that she wants to see your boyfriend only to make amends. Maybe she’s had some revelation about her behavior and wants to apologize. And maybe she wants to wear a dress with a v cut down to her navel and packing a fresh new birth control subscription. Sadly I think the latter is more likely.

We always tend to romanticize past relationships. The further you get from the reality, you remove the bad times from your foremost thoughts. The disagreements and negative feelings that lead to the break-up in the first place are pushed aside for a focus on the good times. Before you know it, the Miller Lite swigging, cursing, crotch scratching ex transforms into Danny Ocean.

So how does any of this rambling relate to the question?

Your boyfriend, however honest and well intentioned, clearly wants to go. If he didn’t, he would have deleted that email/voicemail from her and never brought it up. If he has any lingering thought or question it needs to be answered or it will only grow in his mind. Best that bubble, whatever memories of their times together he has created in his mind, burst. Burst or float – you have no control over which and you can’t live in fear of it floating.

If it’s really over between the two of them, he’ll know it within 5 minutes of sitting down with her. He won’t have the same tingle when he sees her enter the restaurant. Sparks won’t fly when their eyes meet. His thoughts will immediately go back to you and he’ll feel like a moron.

On the other hand, what if sparks do fly and you lose him? If that happens, your relationship wasn’t meant to live happily ever after. But you will rest comfortably with the knowledge that you are no one’s consolation  prize.