July 6th, 2009 by Alexandra

These two jackasses look like they just won front row tickets to U2. Isn’t a memorial meant to be a somewhat respectful, somber event? On the other hand, they will see Usher and Steve Wonder… that my be cause for a shit eating grin or two.

July 2nd, 2009 by Alexandra

Jermain Jackson just sat down with Matt Lauer for an interview that should’ve had a laugh track accompaniment.

We learned…

Umm… none of that is true. You and your entire family, save Janet, were leeches attached to your brother’s underbelly and you’re just as guilty for his (alleged) drug induced death. Slither away now and let us never lay eyes upon you again.

June 25th, 2009 by Alexandra

Umm… no. Just stop it right now.

June 17th, 2009 by Alexandra

Girl walks into (stumbles) into tattoo parlor and requests dozens of starts be tattooed on her face.

I mean what?

To be fair, she claims she only wanted “3 stars her new left eyes” and woke up with 56.

Wait woke up?

Oh yeah, she claims she fell asleep while getting her Tyson tattoo on.

As usual, the problems here are multifold.

1. 3 stars tattooed on your face is 3 too many chick

2. Who the hell falls asleep while getting a tattoo? I think that would be more accurately described as “passed out drunk”.

3. You’re suing for like $25,000. If someone tatted my face, I’d be suing for their pumping heart in my hand.

May 28th, 2009 by Alexandra

A passerby pushed a man, who was threatening to commit suicide, off Haizhu Bridge in China.

At least 12 people have threatened to jump off the bridge since the start of April, causing “traffic … to become worse” according to a spokesman for the Guangzhou public security bureau.

The 66-year-old passerby, Lai Jiansheng, told China Daily that “I pushed him off because jumpers… are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interests.”

Lai initially volunteered his services to police to persuade the man not to jump, but police rejected these. Following this, Lai broke through a police barrier to push the man.

The pushed man, Chen Fuchao, survived with spinal and elbow injuries, because he landed on a partially-inflated air cushion 8 metres (26 feet) below. Lai was taken away by police.

His quote is the absolute best and he’s dead on. Pardon the bad pun. I hate to sound heartless, but jump off the freaking bridge or not. Better yet, assassinate yourself alone at home as opposed to inconveniencing strangers. And don’t you dare blow your head off and leave a traumatic, disgusting mess for someone to clean. Pop the pills and be done with it.

May 13th, 2009 by Alexandra

Priceless…

A Taiwan carpenter bought a porn DVD only to find secretly taped motel footage of his wife having sex with his friend, whom the husband later stabbed.

The husband, identified only by his surname Lee, discovered the illicit sex on the DVD in 2002. The sexual acts apparently had been recorded using a hidden camera and were on a pornographic DVD, titled Affairs with Others’ Wives, which the husband bought from a vendor to watch at home.

Lee, who lives in Taoyuan County near Taipei, divorced his wife after viewing the DVD. His friend, a butcher, disappeared from their village.

In August 2008, Lee spotted the butcher in Chungli City, returned with a knife and stabbed his former friend in the thigh.

The problems here are multifold…

- The occupations of these men are listed as carpenter and butcher, they live in a village, but they somehow have DVDs? Hidden camera porno DVDs at that!

- Are there no laws of the land in Taiwan that you can just secretly tape someone and sell it in the town square?

- If Affairs with Others’ Wives must be the only legit amateur porno ever made… actual women cheating on their husbands. Perhaps those naughty babysitters were real after all.

- The friend’s a butcher and he was stabbed…

- He’s lucky he only stabbed him in the thigh.

May 5th, 2009 by Alexandra

Please excuse my mess as I attempt for the 439th time to claim my blog on Technorati… damn you as a major player in the blog game! Damn you!

Technorati Profile

May 5th, 2009 by Alexandra

I enjoy that AOL’s title for this story is just that – “Laos pregnant prisoner” and I added UPDATE to give it that certain Maury je ne sais quoi.

So I guess it’s great that they aren’t going to line this chick up, but the actual details around the pregnancy become more and more disturbing:

Reprieve {Human rights group Director}  has said Orobator became pregnant in prison, possibly as a result of rape, and that she is due to give birth in September. That would mean Orobator became pregnant in January.

Khenthong {Laotian spokesman} agreed that Orobator is five months pregnant.

But he indicated that Orobator might have already been pregnant when she was arrested, and that she lost the first baby while in prison.

He said Orobator declared on the day of her arrest in August that she was two months pregnant by her boyfriend. After she had already been in jail for some time, he said, Orobator asked for medication to cure a vaginal infection, and he believes it caused her to lose the child.

So let me make sure I’m following this correctly. It’s okay that she has come up pregnant in prison from random (nonconsensual?) circumstances, because she was pregnant when she was arrested initially… and lost that baby already.

It’s like throwing battery acid in someone’s face and using “Officer, he was ugly as hell to begin with” as a defense.

May 4th, 2009 by Alexandra

That might actually be difficult in this case as the woman in question is from Britain… but still…

There’s a little show on Nat Geo called Locked Up Abroad and if anything will lead you to buring your passport that show is it. That, or this:

From CNN.com

Samantha Orobator “is facing death by firing squad for drug trafficking,” said Clare Algar, executive director of Reprieve, a London-based human rights group.

Orobator, 20, was arrested on August 5, said Khenthong Nuanthasing, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs spokesman.

She was alleged to have been carrying just over half a kilogram (1.1 pounds) of heroin, Reprieve lawyer Anna Morris told CNN by phone from Vientiane, the Laotian capital. “For that amount of heroin the sentence is normally the death penalty,” she said.

Orobator’s mother Jane found out in January her daughter was pregnant — more than four months after she was arrested, her mother said.

So let’s recap. She’s 20 years old. 1 lb of heroin = bullet to the head in Thailand. She was impregnanted in prison.

While the good ol’ U S of A may have some flaws… I’ll take the stars and bars over this madness any day.

Chances they let her have the baby and give her an evening with Smith and his friend Wesson a day later? 100% .

May 3rd, 2009 by Alexandra

Prior to sitting through the disappointingly boring “The Soloist” yesterday, I was treated to a preview of “The Proposal”.

Take a look at the poster and as long as you aren’t a bronze winning medalist in the Special Olympics* I’ve no doubt you can predict the in-depth story arc.

You may not know each mind-numbing detail, but we can already assume she’s an overbearing bitch, he’s the cute “Ah shucks” dude and despite the fact that they’re seemingly insurmountable differences (being from two different worlds and all) a ridiculous event will force them together and they’ll realize they are meant for one another. The love they’ve been seeking? It’s been right in front of them the whole time!

My immediate question was “Why in the hell are they making another movie just like this? Same freaking plotline with the originality of a Wheat Thin??”

Sitting in that theatre, the answer was raucous laughter. Ever cliche joke involving uncomfortable visits to meet the parents and accidentally seeing one another naked… people loved it. They didn’t seem to care that it’s the same nonsense over and over. They didn’t care that they already knew the outcome 15 seconds into the trailer. They wanted simple, spoon fed tripe… easily digestable.

For women in particular, I wonder if these movies aren’t almost harmful to their love lives? Setting up expectations of random love in crazy situations that just aren’t realistic.

The only way this will cease is if we stop going. Hollywood loves to visit the well until it’s bone dry. If it works once they’ll do it 5,270 times.

Sigh. That won’t happen anytime soon.

“Sweet Home Alabama” arrived via glorious Netflix and I cannot wait to see what Reese will do. It seems she has a perfect life in NY and has just gotten engaged to a handsome, powerful guy. But there’s a catch. Unfinished business in her hocky hometown… perhaps a love interest left behind? Could get complicated.

*Special Olympics disclaimer – I hold no ill will toward participants and have no doubt they’d kick my ass in a 50-yard dash.