June 15th, 2009 by Alexandra

I’m about to move to Dallas, because apparently I could be swerving and drinking a delicious Strawberry daiquiri right now.

Actually I think this is simply another example of prejudicial preference on the part of MADD. They are upset that folks can drive-up and purchase an alcoholic daiquiri in a sealed bag. Their line of thought seems to be that people will simply pop open that seal and sip up. Is it possible? Of course. But isn’t it just as possible that people could walk into a 7-11, buy a 6 pack and pop the top on the way home? One action isn’t really easier than the other. They just don’t like the actual action of handing the drink to the driver and them driving off.

One point I can’t argue, but they do not bring up is that one is marked and the other isn’t. If I’m driving on the highway and sipping on a beverage in a Styrofoam cup, a cop can’t tell, but if it’s a shiny Bud light can – that’s a giveaway.

I’ve argued as much as I care…

May 13th, 2009 by Alexandra

Priceless…

A Taiwan carpenter bought a porn DVD only to find secretly taped motel footage of his wife having sex with his friend, whom the husband later stabbed.

The husband, identified only by his surname Lee, discovered the illicit sex on the DVD in 2002. The sexual acts apparently had been recorded using a hidden camera and were on a pornographic DVD, titled Affairs with Others’ Wives, which the husband bought from a vendor to watch at home.

Lee, who lives in Taoyuan County near Taipei, divorced his wife after viewing the DVD. His friend, a butcher, disappeared from their village.

In August 2008, Lee spotted the butcher in Chungli City, returned with a knife and stabbed his former friend in the thigh.

The problems here are multifold…

- The occupations of these men are listed as carpenter and butcher, they live in a village, but they somehow have DVDs? Hidden camera porno DVDs at that!

- Are there no laws of the land in Taiwan that you can just secretly tape someone and sell it in the town square?

- If Affairs with Others’ Wives must be the only legit amateur porno ever made… actual women cheating on their husbands. Perhaps those naughty babysitters were real after all.

- The friend’s a butcher and he was stabbed…

- He’s lucky he only stabbed him in the thigh.

May 12th, 2009 by Alexandra

WalletPop has an ongoing “Cheapest People” column that offers a chuckle every now and then.

Some are fairly innocent, such as holding onto creamer from a restaurant or grabbing free app meals during Happy Hour at restaurants. Lame, but not horrific.

My favorites are simply used to air relationship grievances:

“Someone I know actually charged me for text messaging him, believe it or not.”

“Someone I know” = a dude I wanted to bang

“…charged me for text messaging him” = he didn’t want to bang me back

“My gentleman friend is so cheap the only time he calls me is from someone else’s phone. He demands that I call him at certain times of the night, usually when I’m working with a client. He invites me to go somewhere, expects me to drive us there, then changes his mind and wants to stay home. Bummer.”

This is just absurd. For starters, I am not certain who, outside of my Grandma Lucy, would still use the term gentleman friend. Second, it’s kinda clear this guy isn’t all that interested in this chick. Yet somehow she still feels the need to fulfill his J. Lo-like rider of demands. Even after she offers to jump through all the hoops he still bails on her!

And the clincher…

“My ex-husband John, who made more than enough money to do anything he wanted, because he is a general surgeon and does urgent care, would reuse paper towels at least ten times. He had underwear from the 1980’s. He would get out needle and thread and sew up large holes in very old undies and socks. His 1970’s pants were so thin that I could see if he had a design on his boxers. We [finally] bought a new dining room table and china hutch after many years of an empty dining room. Pretty embarrassing being the wife of a general surgeon.”

I like how she somehow made a story about him, all about her…

Let me guess, were you with him during med school, worked a couple of jobs to help him through it and were so, so  proud to become the wife of a surgeon? Dr and Mrs. That would show those bitchy, bulimic  cheerleaders from high school. You just waited for that 20 year reunion. They were going to be so freaking jealous. It was gonna be swweeeeeett!

But then the years dragged on… your breasts began dragging on the bed when you bent over. The twice a week mediocre sex became twice a year. One day you happened to notice a credit card bill for a card unknown to you. You opened it up and found the cheap general surgeon you called a husband, had spent 4k at Tiffany’s. When you confronted him he defiantly revealed that he’d found a new love. A younger, hotter, more Asian love.

That’s what this is really about isn’t it?

May 5th, 2009 by Alexandra

Stories that take a second glance at assumed history make my day!

Who Cut Off Van Gogh’s Ear? – Gauguin apparently.

Van Gogh’s Ear: Paul Gauguin and the Pact of Silence’ contends Van Gogh and Gauguin got into an argument over a prostitute named Rachel outside the brothel where she worked. Gauguin, an excellent fencer, drew his sword and cut off Van Gogh’s left ear.

“The left ear fell. We cannot say if it was deliberate or an accident. In this situation, the protagonists vowed to keep silent. Then Gauguin disappeared, abandoning his friend,” Kaufmann said, according to the Daily Mall.

Gauguin enjoyed doing that – abandoning people who showed him any sort of allegiance. If he didn’t hang around for his wife and five starving children, he sure as hell wasn’t hanging out after lopping off a body part. Friend or no friend.

There is something about dirty, raw history that enthralls me. I’m not a fan of Gauguin’s art myself. I’m more a Caravaggio girl myself.

I’ll be the first to raise my hand, cock my head and say “I don’t get it.” – but prostitutes, selfishness, self-destruction, family abandonment, debauchery, befouling Tahitian girls… that’s quite a tale.

There are people who say they’d “do anything” for their art, their craft or whatever it is they claim to be driven by. There is only the smallest percentage of people who would actually “do anything”, because it would mean being enormously selfish and narcissistic. Basically saying f you and what you want, I’m going to do this because it’s how I choose to live my life.

I’m actually a bit offended when a story like this is white-washed. I think it’s a disservice. The story mentions his dying of a stroke, but I I’ve often read it was complications of syphilis. Somehow that’s not as admirable perhaps.

May 5th, 2009 by Alexandra

When someone says Jenny McCarthy – I think Singled Out. Then I think Glamor Shots, soft-core porn style pinups.

Apparently I’m way off, because having an autistic son, knowing more than physicians, writing a couple of mildly amusing books and putting Cable Guy on pussy locked down = big TV contract. Once Oprah touches her mighty wand to your forehead, you’re worth your weight in Platinum.

Here’s what I don’t get…

Typically house fraus are very skeptical of attractive, thin women. The natural response is to hate on them and dismiss them as bitches. But I guess the Oprah effect will take care of that. I can only hope she’ll use her new position to bring other hardworking sisters up from the depths. Maybe she can take a show a month and head over to a local stripclub, pull some chicks off the pole and dress them up in Anne Taylor dress suits, educate them with a few classes at the local community college, buy em a Honda Accord and send them on their way.

Underneath they’ll still be the same dirty chick who stripped down naked for a camera and put their ankles behind their head for cash, but that’s okay. They’ll be cute, so we won’t care or remember.

Congrats Jenny McCarthy. Can’t knock the hustle.

Photos courtesy people.com and spike.com

May 5th, 2009 by Alexandra

I enjoy that AOL’s title for this story is just that – “Laos pregnant prisoner” and I added UPDATE to give it that certain Maury je ne sais quoi.

So I guess it’s great that they aren’t going to line this chick up, but the actual details around the pregnancy become more and more disturbing:

Reprieve {Human rights group Director}  has said Orobator became pregnant in prison, possibly as a result of rape, and that she is due to give birth in September. That would mean Orobator became pregnant in January.

Khenthong {Laotian spokesman} agreed that Orobator is five months pregnant.

But he indicated that Orobator might have already been pregnant when she was arrested, and that she lost the first baby while in prison.

He said Orobator declared on the day of her arrest in August that she was two months pregnant by her boyfriend. After she had already been in jail for some time, he said, Orobator asked for medication to cure a vaginal infection, and he believes it caused her to lose the child.

So let me make sure I’m following this correctly. It’s okay that she has come up pregnant in prison from random (nonconsensual?) circumstances, because she was pregnant when she was arrested initially… and lost that baby already.

It’s like throwing battery acid in someone’s face and using “Officer, he was ugly as hell to begin with” as a defense.

May 4th, 2009 by Alexandra

This gave me a chuckle. Married people and especially those with children are always pressuring single people to join their little club. That is, if they have time after laying out the 35 reasons they hate their life so much.

“[I'm] not necessarily a bachelor, but I look at marriage as not for me. Maybe that will change at some point, but right now, I see many of my married friends who are so miserable. And I’m looking at that thinking, ‘Man, maybe I don’t need that.’”

- Academy Award-winning actor Jamie Foxx on the possibility of marriage. (Uptown magazine)

April 25th, 2009 by Alexandra

The Washingtonian Magazine cover story this month features 26 reasons it’s great to live in the DC area. I can only assume spirit crippling traffic, cost of living beyond all reason and $15 Jack and Cokes did not make the list.

I do know #2 is “Our New Neighbor Is Hot” and features the (in)famous pic of Obama strutting minus a shirt. Am I the only one that sees nothing hot about the display of man boobs?

Clearly he’s better looking than your average leader of the free world. I can appreciate that much. But is he hot-hot or just President-hot? Example, Brad Pitt is hot-hot. John Mayer is musician-hot. If not famous Brad Pitt bought you a drink, you’d still have Niagara Falls betwixt your legs. If John Mayer minus a guitar, bought you a drink you’d sniff check it for roofies.

So I contend Obama is labeled hot because US Presidents generally aren’t.

The leading contenders…

JFK sets the gold standard of course.

Based on a youthful look and reported great hair, our 14th President Franklin Pierce, was said to be a really handsome guy. He was also a Northerner with strong Southern sympathies and seemed to support the expansion of slavery every chance he got. Why must the pretty ones be so dumb?

Personally, I think Andrew Jackson has some David Bowie like appeal…

And Ronald Reagan was in fact a move star.

Seeing as those Presidents are no longer on this mortal plane they probably aren’t legitimate candidates for Obama comparison.

I think leader in the clubhouse  for world leaders still among the living is Dmitry Medvedev.

He’s young, wealthy and powerful. He’s also a virtual puppet for the Bond villain caricature that is Vladamir Putin, but again, he’s wealthy and powerful, so I’ll let that slide.

April 24th, 2009 by Alexandra

11,000 pigs were killed in an Illinois fire yesterday.

That’s a number I cannot even fathom. Thousands?? I doubt Dante could have imagined a punishment worse than that sound.

I love animals. I have two that reside in my house and pretty much run my life. My heart sank at this story.

But why is it that after I had the immediate gut reaction… the immediate following thought I was “That town must smell freaking unbelievable”…