July 2nd, 2009 by Alexandra
Jermain Jackson just sat down with Matt Lauer for an interview that should’ve had a laugh track accompaniment.
We learned…
Umm… none of that is true. You and your entire family, save Janet, were leeches attached to your brother’s underbelly and you’re just as guilty for his (alleged) drug induced death. Slither away now and let us never lay eyes upon you again.
June 24th, 2009 by Alexandra
Admittedly, I didn’t receive an email from Governor Sanford’s better half, asking my advice, but I’m going to throw her a bone and give my opinion on the whole thing anyway.
June 10th, 2009 by Alexandra
Kristy asks…
“… I have a lot of guy friends and I hang out with them all the time… My boyfriend hates it and I think he’s just being stupid and insecure…”
She goes on to say some other things, but I kind of went in and out of it, because I’m listening to internet radio (Big O and Dukes to be specific), eating a delicious lunch and watching a preview of TLC’S The Little Couple. At this point my ADD is so severe I require many points of stimulation, so you can’t expect me to just focus on your one problem Kristy. How selfish can you be?
All the same…
Your boyfriend can’t tell you who to hang out with and it may be that he is harboring some insecurity about your relationship. I don’t know the history in totality, so he may have fair cause… maybe he walked in on you giving Santa a handy. In that case, he has fair cause to be insecure. Or you may be the perfect girlfriend and haven’t given him any reason to distrust you, but he had a bad experience in the past. Not your fault, but we all have some baggage. Nevertheless, he can’t tell you who to hang out with, but understand he may have some reason to think he can.
You also need to be aware that unless your guy friend, or boy buddy* (shiver) bats for the other team, he probably wants to rail you out. That’s just factual. Not that he’s thinking about it, Shakespearean plotting (though some are), but if you’re a chick and he’s willing to put up with your “chickness”… he probably finds you sexually attractive. Doesn’t mean he wants to shove you in a closet and bring some rope with him, but if you both were drinking and he thought he could make a move… he’d probably take it.
You know, cause he’s a guy and he has a dick. Your boyfriend knows this and that’s what makes him suspicious.
Go out with your dude friends in groups, always invite your boyfriend and if he doesn’t accept that’s on him.
* Moratorium on the term boy buddy from here to eternity
May 31st, 2009 by Alexandra
Not 5. Not 25. But 75 Crazy-Hot Sex Moves from Cosmopolitan Magazine today.
Wait for the pearls of wisdom…
Wait for it…
Here it comes…
1. Have a naughty-movie marathon. Rent a bunch of flicks with famously steamy sex scenes. How could you not get inspired?
Hmm… I wouldn’t recommend renting Y Tu Mama Tambien to turn your guy on unless it’s the version where that involves a couple being caught by her mother… and then she joins in.
2. Intensify his orgasm by placing two fingers an inch behind his balls and feeling for a dent (the perineum, a big pleasure trigger). For the last 30 seconds before he comes, massage the spot in a circular motion.
Hey now. I didn’t know it was THAT kind of party. Why do I imagine 32% of guys would jump up and punch me square in the face if I tried this?
20. While on top, straddle your guy and clench your legs so his arms and torso are pinned down. As he keeps still, roll your hips in a clockwise direction. Switch to counterclockwise, then back, every 30 seconds.
This sounds like the type of thing a white guy would expect a black girl to do in bed. And I can say that. Being black and all.
23. Kiss and lick your way down his torso, stopping short of his penis, then give him a smile and work your way back up. Repeat several times until he begs for mercy.
I wouldn’t say this unless it were true, but I literally LOLed at this. How annoying does it sound?
28. When out at a party, lean your back against him so it looks like you’re just affectionately resting your body. Then subtly grind your butt into his package instead.
Mark it down the term “package” is forever banned from this blog.
54. Before company comes over, get it on in one of the chairs in your living room. Seeing a guest sitting there later will remind you of how naughty you were.
Ok this is just disgusting. No one wants to dine whole sitting in your juices.
65. Pick up a couple of sushi rolls, lie down on your couch, and invite your man to enjoy a meal off your naked body. If he’s not a fan of raw fish, use Gummi bears instead.
I feel they are assuming every woman reading Cosmo has Angelina Jolies hip lines and this will actually be hot. When your belly looks like a sea turtle’s shell – ain’t no one trying to eat off it.
May 12th, 2009 by Alexandra
WalletPop has an ongoing “Cheapest People” column that offers a chuckle every now and then.
Some are fairly innocent, such as holding onto creamer from a restaurant or grabbing free app meals during Happy Hour at restaurants. Lame, but not horrific.
My favorites are simply used to air relationship grievances:
“Someone I know actually charged me for text messaging him, believe it or not.”
“Someone I know” = a dude I wanted to bang
“…charged me for text messaging him” = he didn’t want to bang me back
“My gentleman friend is so cheap the only time he calls me is from someone else’s phone. He demands that I call him at certain times of the night, usually when I’m working with a client. He invites me to go somewhere, expects me to drive us there, then changes his mind and wants to stay home. Bummer.”
This is just absurd. For starters, I am not certain who, outside of my Grandma Lucy, would still use the term gentleman friend. Second, it’s kinda clear this guy isn’t all that interested in this chick. Yet somehow she still feels the need to fulfill his J. Lo-like rider of demands. Even after she offers to jump through all the hoops he still bails on her!
And the clincher…
“My ex-husband John, who made more than enough money to do anything he wanted, because he is a general surgeon and does urgent care, would reuse paper towels at least ten times. He had underwear from the 1980’s. He would get out needle and thread and sew up large holes in very old undies and socks. His 1970’s pants were so thin that I could see if he had a design on his boxers. We [finally] bought a new dining room table and china hutch after many years of an empty dining room. Pretty embarrassing being the wife of a general surgeon.”
I like how she somehow made a story about him, all about her…
Let me guess, were you with him during med school, worked a couple of jobs to help him through it and were so, so proud to become the wife of a surgeon? Dr and Mrs. That would show those bitchy, bulimic cheerleaders from high school. You just waited for that 20 year reunion. They were going to be so freaking jealous. It was gonna be swweeeeeett!
But then the years dragged on… your breasts began dragging on the bed when you bent over. The twice a week mediocre sex became twice a year. One day you happened to notice a credit card bill for a card unknown to you. You opened it up and found the cheap general surgeon you called a husband, had spent 4k at Tiffany’s. When you confronted him he defiantly revealed that he’d found a new love. A younger, hotter, more Asian love.
That’s what this is really about isn’t it?
May 10th, 2009 by Alexandra
Absolute celebrity corrupts absolutely.
I give Lance Armstrong all the credit in the world for kicking cancer’s ass and inspiring people all over the world to LIVESTRONG. Not to mention the fact that he’s successfully side stepped those awful, dirty rumors about possible use of performance enhancers. Athletes often reach a Superman-like peak after their body is riddled with cancer and they are older. Happens all the time.
So I realize that it’s Jesus, Lance Armstrong, then Ghandi. I get it.
But he can still be a dude whose a deuche to chicks.
Case in point, instead of just keeping his own relationships private, especially since this happened years ago, he thought it’d be a good time to throw Sheryl Crow and her ovaries under the bus.
“She wanted marriage, she wanted children; and not that I didn’t want that, but I didn’t want that at that time because I had just gotten out of a marriage, I’d just had kids [Luke, Grace and Bella],” Armstrong said.
No, no. You just didn’t want to have kids with HER. Which is perfectly fine. Just freaking own it!
I think it’s far better than someone who placates a woman and gives her what she wants, i.e. a kid (a living, breathing being), just because he doesn’t want to deal with the drama of not doing it. Inevitably he’ll end up feeling tied down, which will grow to a subtle resentment of her and the child and before you know it, said child is holding me up at Sheetz. No one needs that. So kudos to him for hitting the eject button, but again, I’d just love to hear him own it. Women need to hear that. None of this fairytale “it wasn’t the right time” nonsense. Blunt and direct. When a man loves a woman and wants her, wants to build a life with her and raise a child they created out of love, timing has nothing to do with it.
Side note – he’s expecting a child with his girlfriend now. Guess the time was suddenly right. Or he actually likes her. One or the other.
