August 8th, 2009 by Alexandra

From Popeater.com

We’re not pointing any fingers at Kelly Clarkson, but we were surprised when we saw September’s issue of SELF. The fitness magazine shows Clarkson slim and trim, even though recent photos of her show a completely different figure.

SELF’s Editor-in-Chief Lucy Danziger told ETonline.com that “of course” they touch up photos to make needed “corrections” before publishing.

“SELF magazine inspires and informs our 6 million readers each month to reach their all around best,” Danziger said. “Kelly Clarkson exudes confidence, and is a great role model for women of all sizes and stages of their life. She works out and is strong and healthy, and our picture shows her confidence and beauty. She literally glows from within. That is the feeling we’d all want to have. We love this cover and we love Kelly Clarkson.”

(sigh)
Where to even begin.

Kelly Clarkson isn’t outright fat, but she clearly isn’t thin. Her weight yo-yos and frankly that’s something that millions of women can identify with. Why not allow her to be open and honest about her own struggle? Let her appear on the cover as she really is – how she actually looks and let her defend it or simply be proud of it. For a magazine designed to instill confidence and encourage a healthy lifestyle, this does nothing but continue to perpetuate a a false ideal. Young women chase a perfect likeness that doesn’t exist on this mortal plane. If the plump singer believes an ounce of what she claims, she will come out and denounce this nonsense.

July 2nd, 2009 by Alexandra

Jermain Jackson just sat down with Matt Lauer for an interview that should’ve had a laugh track accompaniment.

We learned…

Umm… none of that is true. You and your entire family, save Janet, were leeches attached to your brother’s underbelly and you’re just as guilty for his (alleged) drug induced death. Slither away now and let us never lay eyes upon you again.

May 31st, 2009 by Alexandra

Not 5. Not 25. But 75 Crazy-Hot Sex Moves from Cosmopolitan Magazine today.

Wait for the pearls of wisdom…

Wait for it…

Here it comes…

1. Have a naughty-movie marathon. Rent a bunch of flicks with famously steamy sex scenes. How could you not get inspired?

Hmm… I wouldn’t recommend renting Y Tu Mama Tambien to turn your guy on unless it’s the version where that involves a couple being caught by her mother… and then she joins in.

2. Intensify his orgasm by placing two fingers an inch behind his balls and feeling for a dent (the perineum, a big pleasure trigger). For the last 30 seconds before he comes, massage the spot in a circular motion.

Hey now. I didn’t know it was THAT kind of party. Why do I imagine 32% of guys would jump up and punch me square in the face if I tried this?

20. While on top, straddle your guy and clench your legs so his arms and torso are pinned down. As he keeps still, roll your hips in a clockwise direction. Switch to counterclockwise, then back, every 30 seconds.

This sounds like the type of thing a white guy would expect a black girl to do in bed. And I can say that. Being black and all.

23. Kiss and lick your way down his torso, stopping short of his penis, then give him a smile and work your way back up. Repeat several times until he begs for mercy.

I wouldn’t say this unless it were true, but I literally LOLed at this. How annoying does it sound?

28. When out at a party, lean your back against him so it looks like you’re just affectionately resting your body. Then subtly grind your butt into his package instead.

Mark it down the term “package” is forever banned from this blog.

54. Before company comes over, get it on in one of the chairs in your living room. Seeing a guest sitting there later will remind you of how naughty you were.

Ok this is just disgusting. No one wants to dine whole sitting in your juices.

65. Pick up a couple of sushi rolls, lie down on your couch, and invite your man to enjoy a meal off your naked body. If he’s not a fan of raw fish, use Gummi bears instead.

I feel they are assuming every woman reading Cosmo has Angelina Jolies hip lines and this will actually be hot. When your belly looks like a sea turtle’s shell – ain’t no one trying to eat off it.

April 21st, 2009 by Alexandra

You’d be better off drinking cow’s blood with a Tanzanian tribe, spitting it on the ground and reading the results like tea leaves than analyzing relationships based on Cosmo’s advice. Despite that fact, it continues to be a treasured resource for those of us lacking a Y chromosome.

Today Cosmo advises us on – Good Girlfriend Behavior: Do This, Not That

The excitement is uncontrollable!! Got your pen and pad ready? Okay… let’s go!

“Do This:  Watch the game with his friends. Spending an afternoon on the couch with his pals says you’re easygoing and cool…and he’ll appreciate your making an effort to get to know his boys.”

He’ll appreciate the view of your ass, in the kitchen, making a turkey dinner, perfectly timed to be ready after the late afternoon game, but before the Sunday night game begins.

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you become a morphed sideshow attraction. Sharing limbs, as well as interests. Despite stomach churning celebrity nicknames you are still two individuals. When I heard “Barachelle” the first time I wanted to vomit like a Meth addict going through withdrawal.

Believe me, there are some things we don’t want to witness or be involved in. Being in the depths of the Sunday “mancave” is on that list. Let your guy be!

“Do This:  Go to the beach or the mountains. In the beginning of a relationship, take an adventure-based trip, like going surfing or snowboarding. The adrenaline rush will boost your bond, and a built-in activity safeguards against awkward downtime.”

If Rock of Love has taught us anything, it’s that true love flourishes under constant distraction and magnificent adventures. Helicopter rides, skydiving, strip clubs, etc. There mustn’t be one moment of normal human interaction. Having a glass of wine and talking? F that! Knowing you can only connect and communicate when something really crazy is happening will build the foundation of relationship to stand the test of time!

Honestly, if you can’t stand “downtime” with someone. They aren’t that someone. Move it along.

Do This: “Forget” your necklace.Leave behind a pretty, delicate piece of jewelry (such as a little gold necklace) and he’ll think of you in similar terms every time he sees it.

My head is going to explode. A bit manipulative, no? If he’s smart he’ll pawn it and use the funds to take out a new chick. You know…. to forget about you. Ah – catch the irony there? Catch it? Yeah… you caught it.

Here’s a novel idea: If a guy actually likes you, he won’t suddenly forget you exist if you don’t leave strategic physical reminders.  Like a baby that hasn’t reached the stage of development where they realize objects out of view haven’t magically disappeared.

It starts with leaving a necklace and it ends with shoving yourself into a lower kitchen cabinet on Christmas Day, dressed as a Sexy Santa, murmuring “We just need to talk about it” over and over awaiting the perfect chance to pounce out and surprise him… two months after you’ve broken up.